Monday, December 26, 2011
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Thank you, Mary Mary
It's sad to me how pretty much all of my "recent" blog posts have been so melancholy. But that's just kind of how life is right now. There's a lot of good and I am thankful for it, but there's a lot of pain, too.
On Monday, I officially entered my third trimester. It's fun to feel the baby moving and see the obvious physical evidence that he's growing bigger every day. I'm so looking forward to having a baby in the house again. It was such a joy having little Sarah. In fact, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it! Part of me had assumed that it would sometimes feel monotonous to repeat the same eat, change, sleep routine over and over again all day. Surprisingly, in 5 months with her, I never found myself resenting or feeling tired of nurturing her and meeting her needs. I imagine I will feel a similar joy in caring for Noah, even though I know the physical challenges will be greater this time since I'll be recovering from giving birth.
In the midst of the joyful expectancy of this new baby, though, I'm still struggling with the challenge of being a mom to the two already in my care. It's a crazy phase of life with preschool and toddler kids at home. So many joys and funny moments, but so much exhaustion! Matt and I both feel the lack of a social life and the drain of very little "time off" from our daily routines.
Praise God, though, that both Anna and Isaiah seem to be thriving. Sweet big sister Anna is growing beautifully into her new role and coming to really enjoy the companionship of a little brother -- most of the time! Yesterday was a rough day for all of us, and I saw her stepping up to engage and encourage him. At bed time, when Matt and I got distracted with something that needed to be addressed right away, I noticed Anna crawl with Isaiah into her "reading nook" under her new loft bed and proceed to "read" him a Lion King story book. She was so dear, and he was loving every moment of it.
Isaiah has progressed so much since he came. The child who was once withdrawn, grieving, fearful, mistrusting, and so hurt now radiates with happiness and a sense of well-being and belonging the majority of the time. He is very close to Matt, which is beautiful to see. God's grace is doing a great work of healing in his little life. We were also very encouraged when the court ruled against the former caretaker who was trying to regain custody of him. It was a long and frustrating journey, but the judge finally acknowledge her unfitness as a parent. It was painful for me to see her grief, knowing how much it hurt when they took Baby Sarah away from Matt and me, but I know that it was not at all in Isaiah's best interest to go back to her. Now we can focus our thoughts and energy on moving forward and building a family with our newest member. His official Termination of Parental Rights hearing will not be until the end of October, but we've been told that the prospects are very good.
What a full year it's been! Really the hardest year of my life... I have struggled with very challenging pregnancy symptoms on top of the ups and downs of being a foster parent and mom of a 5-year-old. My first trimester brought very bad morning sickness and a return of the depression that I've struggled with on and off for years. I came to realize how much I was still grieving the abrupt end of our first foster placement and feeling overwhelmed by the adjustment to having Isaiah with us.
Thankfully, my second trimester was much more smooth. I had the energy boost that many women have, and the nausea subsided. But my job was very busy and stressful through the whole trimester, so it was a challenge to juggle everything and keep a positive perspective. I've been so grateful for a wonderfully supportive boss and colleagues who have been amazing team mates with true servant hearts.
The transition to this final trimester has really thrown me for a loop. I noticed an overnight difference with a sudden return to exhaustion and intense mood swings from depression to anxiety. Despite being on break between semesters (which normally brings me great relief from stress!), I haven't felt like I've been able to "come down" from the intensity of work and the pregnancy symptoms. Finally, Matt and I agreed to call his mom and see if she could come out to help for a little bit. She's arriving tomorrow, and I know that will be a great relief to both Matt and I. I'm thankful to other friends and my family also for stepping in to help us through this time. It's hard for me to ask for help and receive it, largely because a huge part of my self image is being someone who "has it together" and is always responsible. In all honesty, that hasn't characterized me in a long time, but I'm still holding on to that illusion. God, grant me the grace to let go of my tight grasp on control and let you take care of me (especially through others)!
Anyway, I was trying to think of a song that would capture how I'm feeling right now and remind me of the hope that I have in God. Mary Mary's "Can't Give Up Now" came to mind. This song has encouraged me through a lot of difficult seasons...
I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
But I can't believe You brought me this far to leave me
When I look back at all of the ways that God has proven himself faithful to me and to our family in the past, I remember where my hope is truly grounded. This God does not leave us when we're at rock bottom. He doesn't promise things and change his mind. He is utterly committed to my healing and my growth. He'll never leave me. There's no other truth that brings more comfort. I have to build my life on this promise...
On Monday, I officially entered my third trimester. It's fun to feel the baby moving and see the obvious physical evidence that he's growing bigger every day. I'm so looking forward to having a baby in the house again. It was such a joy having little Sarah. In fact, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it! Part of me had assumed that it would sometimes feel monotonous to repeat the same eat, change, sleep routine over and over again all day. Surprisingly, in 5 months with her, I never found myself resenting or feeling tired of nurturing her and meeting her needs. I imagine I will feel a similar joy in caring for Noah, even though I know the physical challenges will be greater this time since I'll be recovering from giving birth.
In the midst of the joyful expectancy of this new baby, though, I'm still struggling with the challenge of being a mom to the two already in my care. It's a crazy phase of life with preschool and toddler kids at home. So many joys and funny moments, but so much exhaustion! Matt and I both feel the lack of a social life and the drain of very little "time off" from our daily routines.
Praise God, though, that both Anna and Isaiah seem to be thriving. Sweet big sister Anna is growing beautifully into her new role and coming to really enjoy the companionship of a little brother -- most of the time! Yesterday was a rough day for all of us, and I saw her stepping up to engage and encourage him. At bed time, when Matt and I got distracted with something that needed to be addressed right away, I noticed Anna crawl with Isaiah into her "reading nook" under her new loft bed and proceed to "read" him a Lion King story book. She was so dear, and he was loving every moment of it.
Isaiah has progressed so much since he came. The child who was once withdrawn, grieving, fearful, mistrusting, and so hurt now radiates with happiness and a sense of well-being and belonging the majority of the time. He is very close to Matt, which is beautiful to see. God's grace is doing a great work of healing in his little life. We were also very encouraged when the court ruled against the former caretaker who was trying to regain custody of him. It was a long and frustrating journey, but the judge finally acknowledge her unfitness as a parent. It was painful for me to see her grief, knowing how much it hurt when they took Baby Sarah away from Matt and me, but I know that it was not at all in Isaiah's best interest to go back to her. Now we can focus our thoughts and energy on moving forward and building a family with our newest member. His official Termination of Parental Rights hearing will not be until the end of October, but we've been told that the prospects are very good.
What a full year it's been! Really the hardest year of my life... I have struggled with very challenging pregnancy symptoms on top of the ups and downs of being a foster parent and mom of a 5-year-old. My first trimester brought very bad morning sickness and a return of the depression that I've struggled with on and off for years. I came to realize how much I was still grieving the abrupt end of our first foster placement and feeling overwhelmed by the adjustment to having Isaiah with us.
Thankfully, my second trimester was much more smooth. I had the energy boost that many women have, and the nausea subsided. But my job was very busy and stressful through the whole trimester, so it was a challenge to juggle everything and keep a positive perspective. I've been so grateful for a wonderfully supportive boss and colleagues who have been amazing team mates with true servant hearts.
The transition to this final trimester has really thrown me for a loop. I noticed an overnight difference with a sudden return to exhaustion and intense mood swings from depression to anxiety. Despite being on break between semesters (which normally brings me great relief from stress!), I haven't felt like I've been able to "come down" from the intensity of work and the pregnancy symptoms. Finally, Matt and I agreed to call his mom and see if she could come out to help for a little bit. She's arriving tomorrow, and I know that will be a great relief to both Matt and I. I'm thankful to other friends and my family also for stepping in to help us through this time. It's hard for me to ask for help and receive it, largely because a huge part of my self image is being someone who "has it together" and is always responsible. In all honesty, that hasn't characterized me in a long time, but I'm still holding on to that illusion. God, grant me the grace to let go of my tight grasp on control and let you take care of me (especially through others)!
Anyway, I was trying to think of a song that would capture how I'm feeling right now and remind me of the hope that I have in God. Mary Mary's "Can't Give Up Now" came to mind. This song has encouraged me through a lot of difficult seasons...
I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
But I can't believe You brought me this far to leave me
When I look back at all of the ways that God has proven himself faithful to me and to our family in the past, I remember where my hope is truly grounded. This God does not leave us when we're at rock bottom. He doesn't promise things and change his mind. He is utterly committed to my healing and my growth. He'll never leave me. There's no other truth that brings more comfort. I have to build my life on this promise...
Monday, May 17, 2010
Songs for Grieving
It's been more than 3 months now since Sarah left us and just over 2 since Isaiah arrived on the scene. In the midst of all this coming and going of children, I've got a new little one growing inside of me. The effect of all of this (on top of major morning sickness that is still continuing into my second trimester) has been a season of change and grieving for me. To be honest, it's been one of the darkest and most painful times of my life, despite the joys in the midst of the pain.
Lately, I've been searching for music to help me express and release all the difficult feelings. For anyone else who has struggled with the loss of a child or the challenges of parenting a child who has been through major trauma, I thought I would share some of the gems I have found...
Glory Baby (Waterdeep) and I Will Rise (???) from a YouTube video created by a family when their 12-year-old son passed away:
Worth It All (Rita Springer):
Face of Time (Jason Upton):
Deeper Still (Dave Wilcox):
Lately, I've been searching for music to help me express and release all the difficult feelings. For anyone else who has struggled with the loss of a child or the challenges of parenting a child who has been through major trauma, I thought I would share some of the gems I have found...
Glory Baby (Waterdeep) and I Will Rise (???) from a YouTube video created by a family when their 12-year-old son passed away:
Worth It All (Rita Springer):
Face of Time (Jason Upton):
Deeper Still (Dave Wilcox):
Friday, February 26, 2010
An Encouraging Word during Lent
Today is the day that we go to pick up little Isaiah and bring him home as the newest member of our family.
The Lenten devotional that we read this morning felt like a clear word of encouragement from God in this humbling, exciting, frightening, hopeful time:
Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me. (Matthew 25:40)
In this passage, Jesus equates two groups of people: "the least of these" and "those who are members of my family." Jesus declares that those who are without food, clothing, good health, or a place to call home are not just people in need, but our sisters, brothers [and children!] These strangers and have-nots of the world are the people most beloved by Jesus. This begs the question of how we respond to those who are strangers to us yet are most dear to Jesus.Prayer: Holy God, we see strangers all around us in this world. Open our ears to hear the cries of the homeless and the sick. Open our hearts in compassion to those who are most precious to you. Guide our steps to those whom we can serve in your name. Amen.
Faith and Action: Because we have been equipped by God, we have the resources to connect with people who are currently strangers, but whom we will soon recognize as brothers and sisters in Christ.... As [our hearts] go out... we will see a transformation of those around us from the hurting unknown to beloved [fellow members in the family of God.]
Saturday, February 20, 2010
A Stocking for Sarah -- The Beginning of a Family Tradition
This morning, I was inspired to sit down and write this story to share with other families considering foster adoption. It's about the ups and downs of our experience and why, despite the pain, I would and will do it all over again...
*****************
A Stocking for Sarah:
The Beginning of a Foster Adoption Family Tradition
by Jenny Thomas
If history is any indication, all of the children who join our family will come as a complete surprise to us! My husband and I adopted our oldest daughter, Anna, through the Czech equivalent of domestic adoption while we were living and working in Prague, Czech Republic. We met Anna on Matt’s birthday at the orphanage where she had lived for the first year-and-a-half of her life. She was nothing like the child I had expected to adopt, and we certainly didn’t expect to meet our daughter on our casual “tour of the orphanage” that day! But the moment we saw Anna, we knew instantly that we belonged together. It took two months of agonizing waiting, visiting, and trying to convince frustrated Czech social workers that we really did want this ragamuffin little toddler with a “syndrome” (a genetic disorder called Turner’s Syndrome) rather that the healthy infant girl they had recently found for us, but we eventually brought home our little “gypsy girl” on September 15, 2006.
After four life-changing years living overseas, we moved back “home” to Southern California and began to think again about expanding our family. Some good friends at church had had a great experience with U.S. foster adoption, so we signed up, completed piles of paperwork, went through training, and began preparing ourselves and our home to welcome one or two new little family members.
Given that our daughter was 4 years old and extremely social (unlike her introverted parents), we told our social worker that we were interested in a toddler or sibling pair up to or around Anna’s age. Needless to say, we were taken off guard when he called the following week saying there was a newborn baby girl in need of an emergency placement. Were we interested? It took a bit of mental reorientation and a frantic Target shopping trip, but six hours later, we were leaving the hospital with a beautiful, tiny, African American stranger with a full head of curly black hair.
The process of falling in love with baby “Sarah”* was so powerful and rapid that it almost scared me. I had assumed that the fact that we were open to toddlers would certainly mean they would place older children with us. In all honesty, before we got the call, I was not even sure that I wanted a tiny baby at that point in my life. Anna had been 18 months old, so the “newborn thing” was completely foreign to me. My expectations about what it might be like, especially since I would have to continue working full time, were as full of images of chronic exhaustion and the monotony of constant feeding, diaper changing, and laundry as they were of sweet baby coos and cuddling in rocking chairs.
Boy, was I wrong!
From the first moment, I loved EVERYTHING about being a mom to Sarah. Caring for her in the midst of her fragile dependency brought the deepest kind of satisfaction I have ever experienced. My days took on a sort of “monastic” rhythm, centered around the patterns of her daily needs. I woke to her hungry whimpers, calmed myself before work gazing at her contented full-belly morning smile, celebrated my return home with our joyful “play time” reunion, and wound down for bed watching tv with her raspy breathing harmonizing with my own on the couch.
After the first glorious month, our family began to experience first-hand the ups and downs that we had been warned about in the foster adoption process. Sarah’s birthmom was working hard to turn her life around and be reunified with her daughter. In the beginning, this looked unlikely, but it quickly became clear that reunification was a very real possibility. We tried to take it a day at a time, focusing on loving Sarah while “holding loosely.” Living in that grey area between being parents and long-term babysitters was very difficult for me, particularly because I felt such an intense connection to this little girl. As weekly visits with her birthmom became longer and more frequent, I tried to savor every moment that I had, knowing that the time might be very limited.
In early November, Sarah’s social worker called and told us that they were planning to move her to another family who lived closer to her birthmother. We were devastated, but began preparing mentally and emotionally for the transition. Each day, we waited for the phone call saying that they were coming to get her. But it didn’t come. Several days later, we learned that plans had changed and, if we were open to it, they would like Sarah to stay with us indefinitely. We were flooded with a huge sense of relief and elation! This meant she would be with us for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and perhaps longer… maybe even forever.
As Christmas approached, I dug out my dusty sewing box (I’m no sewing expert!) to make a stocking for baby Sarah. In the past, I had hand-made stockings for each member of our family -- daddy, mommy, and Anna – in corresponding colors. I picked out a quilted paisley fabric in complimentary tones and stayed up till 3 in the morning sewing. The next day, I sat for over an hour holding Sarah and staring with great satisfaction at our four little stockings hanging over the fire place. Yes, this was right and good. Daddy’s red and green and mommy’s patchwork quilt on one side; Anna’s bright red with partridges and Sarah’s paisley quilt on the other. Colorful, unique, and cobbled-together, but somehow balanced and harmonious – just like our little family.
The holidays seemed to linger this year. I supposed part of that had to do with the fact that we were too busy to take down our Christmas decorations for weeks and weeks after the New Year! Around the time that I finally felt ready to take them down, we received a surprising and saddening phone call. Sarah’s birthmom was doing extremely well (for which we were genuinely thankful), but this meant that the social workers wanted them to begin spending the whole weekend together in preparation for being fully reunified in a few weeks. We had known that reunification was a strong possibility, but the suddenness of the decision caught us completely off guard. Over the short remaining time, grief began to seep into our home and our hearts. It felt like hearing that someone you love has days to live. Every little moment and interaction took on a heaviness of being “the last”… last visit to the doctor, last diaper purchase, last bath, last night with us.
The news of Sarah’s imminent departure left me frozen in my efforts to “undecorated” the house. February rolled around, and her little stocking still stared at me from the mantle, reminding me daily that she probably wouldn’t be here the following year to joyfully explore its contents. For whatever reason, the stocking became the most painful and poignant symbol of our loss. I agonized for two weeks over what to do with it. Should I send it with her? If I were her mom, I would want to choose my own, not use the one selected by a “stranger”. Could I possibly give this special stocking to a future child? I actually felt a little bit nauseous at the thought. “No! This is HER stocking.”
Then one morning, I woke up knowing exactly what I wanted to do. It would remain Sarah’s stocking, but it would stay with our family. I shared my idea with my husband: “We can put it up each year in memory of her. Instead of filling it with presents, we can have each member of our family write a letter to her and collect them all inside, year after year. That way, we can share our thoughts and prayers and memories with her as a way to honor her special place in our family and bless her symbolically, even though she won’t be with us physically.” This solution just felt right.
A few days later, I gave my baby girl a bath, massaged her one last time with her favorite lavender lotion, bundled her up and took the tearful drive to reunite her forever with her birthmom. My husband and I held each other and cried in the rain before getting back into the car… without her.
Walking away from the baby whom I had cared for loved for nearly five months was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The waves of sadness, frustration, disappointment, and longing still wash over me daily. But there is peace, too. I feel peace when I think of the stable, nurturing beginning that she had with our family and the courageous, loving birthmom who has given everything she has to be able to parent her precious child. In all sincerity, this is a happy ending… what should have happened. But I still miss my girl.
Yesterday, my husband got out the Christmas bins. It was finally time. As I looked at Sarah’s stocking, I was surprised to find the pain and “frozen” feeling it used to evoke replaced by a warm wave of peace and gratitude. I felt no anger or despair as I pulled it down and placed it gently into the bin with the rest of our stockings and Christmas decorations. Here was this little memory of Sarah, at home where it belonged with the other symbols of our family’s most special traditions. She is a part of us, and no one can ever take that away. We are a part of her, whether or not she will have any conscious memory of her time with us.
This experience marked the beginning of what will become a new family tradition for us. I plan to make a stocking for each new child and put them all out each year, whether they will be filled with presents or precious letters. What a joy to have a hearth full of colorful stockings and a heart full of precious children! Despite the surprises, the losses, and the pain, I can’t imagine a more beautiful way to build a family. I am thankful to each of my children and to all of those who will come, who enrich our lives with their uniqueness and fill our home with their memories.
Our family plans to continue in our foster adoption journey, despite the potential heartbreaks that may come. The miracle of sewing a frayed little scrap of fabric in to our family quilt is worth the pain and the risk of that little patch being removed and sewn back into the bolt of fabric from which it was cut.
* “Sarah” is not her legal name, though it is the name we would have given her had we been able to adopt her.
*****************
A Stocking for Sarah:
The Beginning of a Foster Adoption Family Tradition
by Jenny Thomas
If history is any indication, all of the children who join our family will come as a complete surprise to us! My husband and I adopted our oldest daughter, Anna, through the Czech equivalent of domestic adoption while we were living and working in Prague, Czech Republic. We met Anna on Matt’s birthday at the orphanage where she had lived for the first year-and-a-half of her life. She was nothing like the child I had expected to adopt, and we certainly didn’t expect to meet our daughter on our casual “tour of the orphanage” that day! But the moment we saw Anna, we knew instantly that we belonged together. It took two months of agonizing waiting, visiting, and trying to convince frustrated Czech social workers that we really did want this ragamuffin little toddler with a “syndrome” (a genetic disorder called Turner’s Syndrome) rather that the healthy infant girl they had recently found for us, but we eventually brought home our little “gypsy girl” on September 15, 2006.
After four life-changing years living overseas, we moved back “home” to Southern California and began to think again about expanding our family. Some good friends at church had had a great experience with U.S. foster adoption, so we signed up, completed piles of paperwork, went through training, and began preparing ourselves and our home to welcome one or two new little family members.
Given that our daughter was 4 years old and extremely social (unlike her introverted parents), we told our social worker that we were interested in a toddler or sibling pair up to or around Anna’s age. Needless to say, we were taken off guard when he called the following week saying there was a newborn baby girl in need of an emergency placement. Were we interested? It took a bit of mental reorientation and a frantic Target shopping trip, but six hours later, we were leaving the hospital with a beautiful, tiny, African American stranger with a full head of curly black hair.
The process of falling in love with baby “Sarah”* was so powerful and rapid that it almost scared me. I had assumed that the fact that we were open to toddlers would certainly mean they would place older children with us. In all honesty, before we got the call, I was not even sure that I wanted a tiny baby at that point in my life. Anna had been 18 months old, so the “newborn thing” was completely foreign to me. My expectations about what it might be like, especially since I would have to continue working full time, were as full of images of chronic exhaustion and the monotony of constant feeding, diaper changing, and laundry as they were of sweet baby coos and cuddling in rocking chairs.
Boy, was I wrong!
From the first moment, I loved EVERYTHING about being a mom to Sarah. Caring for her in the midst of her fragile dependency brought the deepest kind of satisfaction I have ever experienced. My days took on a sort of “monastic” rhythm, centered around the patterns of her daily needs. I woke to her hungry whimpers, calmed myself before work gazing at her contented full-belly morning smile, celebrated my return home with our joyful “play time” reunion, and wound down for bed watching tv with her raspy breathing harmonizing with my own on the couch.
After the first glorious month, our family began to experience first-hand the ups and downs that we had been warned about in the foster adoption process. Sarah’s birthmom was working hard to turn her life around and be reunified with her daughter. In the beginning, this looked unlikely, but it quickly became clear that reunification was a very real possibility. We tried to take it a day at a time, focusing on loving Sarah while “holding loosely.” Living in that grey area between being parents and long-term babysitters was very difficult for me, particularly because I felt such an intense connection to this little girl. As weekly visits with her birthmom became longer and more frequent, I tried to savor every moment that I had, knowing that the time might be very limited.
In early November, Sarah’s social worker called and told us that they were planning to move her to another family who lived closer to her birthmother. We were devastated, but began preparing mentally and emotionally for the transition. Each day, we waited for the phone call saying that they were coming to get her. But it didn’t come. Several days later, we learned that plans had changed and, if we were open to it, they would like Sarah to stay with us indefinitely. We were flooded with a huge sense of relief and elation! This meant she would be with us for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and perhaps longer… maybe even forever.
As Christmas approached, I dug out my dusty sewing box (I’m no sewing expert!) to make a stocking for baby Sarah. In the past, I had hand-made stockings for each member of our family -- daddy, mommy, and Anna – in corresponding colors. I picked out a quilted paisley fabric in complimentary tones and stayed up till 3 in the morning sewing. The next day, I sat for over an hour holding Sarah and staring with great satisfaction at our four little stockings hanging over the fire place. Yes, this was right and good. Daddy’s red and green and mommy’s patchwork quilt on one side; Anna’s bright red with partridges and Sarah’s paisley quilt on the other. Colorful, unique, and cobbled-together, but somehow balanced and harmonious – just like our little family.
The holidays seemed to linger this year. I supposed part of that had to do with the fact that we were too busy to take down our Christmas decorations for weeks and weeks after the New Year! Around the time that I finally felt ready to take them down, we received a surprising and saddening phone call. Sarah’s birthmom was doing extremely well (for which we were genuinely thankful), but this meant that the social workers wanted them to begin spending the whole weekend together in preparation for being fully reunified in a few weeks. We had known that reunification was a strong possibility, but the suddenness of the decision caught us completely off guard. Over the short remaining time, grief began to seep into our home and our hearts. It felt like hearing that someone you love has days to live. Every little moment and interaction took on a heaviness of being “the last”… last visit to the doctor, last diaper purchase, last bath, last night with us.
The news of Sarah’s imminent departure left me frozen in my efforts to “undecorated” the house. February rolled around, and her little stocking still stared at me from the mantle, reminding me daily that she probably wouldn’t be here the following year to joyfully explore its contents. For whatever reason, the stocking became the most painful and poignant symbol of our loss. I agonized for two weeks over what to do with it. Should I send it with her? If I were her mom, I would want to choose my own, not use the one selected by a “stranger”. Could I possibly give this special stocking to a future child? I actually felt a little bit nauseous at the thought. “No! This is HER stocking.”
Then one morning, I woke up knowing exactly what I wanted to do. It would remain Sarah’s stocking, but it would stay with our family. I shared my idea with my husband: “We can put it up each year in memory of her. Instead of filling it with presents, we can have each member of our family write a letter to her and collect them all inside, year after year. That way, we can share our thoughts and prayers and memories with her as a way to honor her special place in our family and bless her symbolically, even though she won’t be with us physically.” This solution just felt right.
A few days later, I gave my baby girl a bath, massaged her one last time with her favorite lavender lotion, bundled her up and took the tearful drive to reunite her forever with her birthmom. My husband and I held each other and cried in the rain before getting back into the car… without her.
Walking away from the baby whom I had cared for loved for nearly five months was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The waves of sadness, frustration, disappointment, and longing still wash over me daily. But there is peace, too. I feel peace when I think of the stable, nurturing beginning that she had with our family and the courageous, loving birthmom who has given everything she has to be able to parent her precious child. In all sincerity, this is a happy ending… what should have happened. But I still miss my girl.
Yesterday, my husband got out the Christmas bins. It was finally time. As I looked at Sarah’s stocking, I was surprised to find the pain and “frozen” feeling it used to evoke replaced by a warm wave of peace and gratitude. I felt no anger or despair as I pulled it down and placed it gently into the bin with the rest of our stockings and Christmas decorations. Here was this little memory of Sarah, at home where it belonged with the other symbols of our family’s most special traditions. She is a part of us, and no one can ever take that away. We are a part of her, whether or not she will have any conscious memory of her time with us.
This experience marked the beginning of what will become a new family tradition for us. I plan to make a stocking for each new child and put them all out each year, whether they will be filled with presents or precious letters. What a joy to have a hearth full of colorful stockings and a heart full of precious children! Despite the surprises, the losses, and the pain, I can’t imagine a more beautiful way to build a family. I am thankful to each of my children and to all of those who will come, who enrich our lives with their uniqueness and fill our home with their memories.
Our family plans to continue in our foster adoption journey, despite the potential heartbreaks that may come. The miracle of sewing a frayed little scrap of fabric in to our family quilt is worth the pain and the risk of that little patch being removed and sewn back into the bolt of fabric from which it was cut.
* “Sarah” is not her legal name, though it is the name we would have given her had we been able to adopt her.
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Anticipating Lost and Loss
I have been both looking forward to and dreading this week for a long time. Fortunately, the looking forward has lasted longer than the dreading, but that actually doesn't help much.
Tomorrow brings the season premier of the final season of Lost -- the two hours of television that I think I have longed for more than any other television program in my lifetime. And that's pretty much all I have to say about that because. . .
Friday brings the court hearing that will probably signal the loss of my precious baby girl.
As much of a tv addict as I am (and, sadly, I'm a BIG one!), this news has completely overshadowed any joy I was feeling about this week. We've known for some time that there would be a hearing on February 5th to conduct a "progress check" in the baby's case. What we didn't know (because the baby's lawyer expressly told us it would never happen) is that they would be moving her back with her birth mother at that time (this weekend, most likely). Things had definitely been swinging in the direction of reunification, so we were preparing ourselves for the eventual transition, but we were quite sure it would not happen before the Termination of Parental Rights hearing in May. We were wrong.
So, what does it feel like to find out that the baby you brought home from the hospital and whom you've been caring for for four months is leaving? The best way I can describe it is like finding out that a close family member or friend has a few weeks to live. I go to bed each night ticking another day off in the countdown. Just 4 more nights left. Four more days of "normalcy" before there will be this gapping hole in our family.
You'd think you would want to savor every moment and squeeze all of the joy out of each second together. I do want to. But at the same time, all of my interactions with her are colored by grief. I'm afraid that she can feel it . . . sense that something terrible is imminent. I try to reassure her, but I can't even quite reassure myself that everything is going to be okay.
I wish I could be part of her life forever -- see her grow up, watch her personality (that we're already seeing beautiful glimpses of) unfold, support her through the challenges she'll face... But I have always known that she didn't ultimately "belong" to me. She's been "on loan." Yet, she has become a part of the fabric of our family life. Her little raspy breathing and sloppy finger-sucking noises in the co-sleeper next to me at night. The neat little rows of freshly-washed bottles that are ever-present on our countertop (they never quite seem to make it back into the cupboard.) Her bouncy chair in the bathroom that I am constantly tripping over. The bulky double-stroller that used to seem like such an eyesore in our living room (nowhere else to store it!) but now I don't even notice.
All these little things that used to seem like mundane baby peraphernalia now carry the sad weight of painful reminders.
The worst part, though, is imagining what the experience of separation and transition will be like for her. I know that babies are resilient and she will soon forget us completely (at least in any kind of conscious sense). However, before that happens, she will wonder. She'll miss our familiar presence, our smell, the sound of our voices, the particular songs we sing, the colors and textures of our home, her bed, our couch. Her mom probably won't give her a daily massage in the same way with the same lavendar scented lotion. Even her clothing, blankets, carseat, and stroller will change. We will send all of her clothes with her, but her mom has already shown a preference during visits for dressing the baby in clothes that she bought for her. I would probably do the same. It's about legitimacy and claiming... But the baby doesn't know that. For her, it's just about change and loss.
I don't know how to say goodbye.
We're planning a time of prayer together with family and close friends on Wednesday night. That will be healing for me. But at some point, that final moment is going to come, and I'm going to have to put "my" baby into someone else's arms, turn my back, and walk away from her. I don't know if she will be safe or what her life will bring. I will probably never see pictures, know how she's doing in school, hear about her friendships, boyfriends, attend her graduation or wedding... All of these things could have been milestones in my life, but now they'll be milestones in someone else's.
There are two things that I'm clinging to right now -- the only two that are getting me through this time.
First, something I heard the Holy Spirit whisper gently: "Lean on me. Love her." I cry out to God over and over these days, "I'm leaning on You! I'm loving her!" That's all that I can do at this point. Those are the only two parts of this crazy process that are actually under my control -- where I put my trust, and how I love this child while she's in my life.
And second, a passage that my friend and colleague, Michael, shared with me a few weeks ago:
~~~~~~~~~~~
2 Corinthians 4
Treasures in Jars of Clay
1Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. . . 5For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. 6For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"[a]made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
7But we have this treasure in jars of clay [we are those frail jars of clay for the treasure that God has entrusted to us through this ministry of foster/adoption!] to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
13It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."[b]With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, 14because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you [Sarah Jalen!] in his presence. 15All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people [Baby "Sarah" AND her birth mom -- God is working healing!] may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.
16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you, God, that your grace is sufficient and that you work all things together for good. We are clinging to your promises and pleading that your power to heal and transform will be SO EVIDENT to many through the ripple effect of your love in Baby Sarah's life. Bless her with all good things, and may we see her again and rejoice with her some day in Your presence.
Thank you, Sarah, so much for the honor of knowing and loving you. You will be profoundly missed but never forgotten.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Vacation and Fall
As mentioned below, I was surpised to find that blogger is prompting me to add labels to my posts today with the examples "scooters", "vacation", and "fall", which all happen to be profoundly on my mind this evening.
So, here is installment number 2: Vacation and Fall (sadly, in that order)
If the last time you heard from me -- electronically or otherwise -- was the last time you read a post on this blog (i.e. fall 2007), BOY do I have a lot of catching you up to do! I'll save you all the details and summarize thusly:
* worked "part time", though with quite a full plate, at Azusa Pacific University from the time I returned to the States in July 2007 to March 2008.
* was hired full time as "Special Programs Coordinator" for the American Language and Culture Institute at APU a year and a half ago
* am teaching four classes (mainly research skills and academic reading and writing for international students) as well as:
--heading the International Writing Center at APU
--overseeing the American International Mentoring Program
--leading the Summer University Preparation Program
--serving as the Level 4 academic advisor for our department
--and occasionally teaching some extra courses in the TESOL Masters program
* am parenting a delightful and very energy-consuming 4.5 year old
As you might imagine, given all of the above, I found myself in March very much looking forward to my late-August, between-semesters (we teach year round with three semesters) vacation.
When Matt and I realized that he would actually be teaching at Fuller through my entire APU vacation time, I nearly had a meltdown. Praise God, my wonderfully gracious boss was willing to find someone who could cover my Orientation responsibilites, allowing Matt and I to *gasp* TRAVEL TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME!! (It's been a while... can you tell?)
The idea first came to me -- inconveniently -- in the middle of the night. Two little words with such power to delight!!!
.... Disney... cruise.....
I stayed up till about 3 a.m. researching and planning my sales pitch. We would drive to Florida to save money, take the 3 day cruise, and even get to see Matt's uncle and aunt as an extra bonus. And the price tag? A mere $*#&@...
In true "kid on Christmas morning form", I woke Matt at 5 a.m., giddy with my plans, and was thrilled to find that he was not only relatively unmiffed about the early wake up, but surprisingly open to my elaborate, expensive plan. (Actually, I shouldn't say I was surprised. He's usually pretty great about things like this. I really did get a Good One!)
Over the next few weeks (how does this happen?), the drive-to-Florida 3 day cruise slowly morphed into a cruise plus 2 days in the parks "because we HAVE TO see Epcot, but we can stay with your uncle to save money", which eventually became 4 days in parks "because it's only a few dollars more per day (really) once you get past a certain point", which ultimately ended with 4 days at a Disney resort with a day in each of the main theme parks before heading off for the 3 days at sea. I will say, in my defense, that Disney was offering a promotion where people who stayed on property got free Disney dining for the duration of their stay, which actually paid for the hotel, especially when you figure the cost of renting a car, parking, etc. Needless to say, this vacation became a Big Deal pretty quickly.
Despite the fact that I am generally a very spontaneous, last minute kind of person, I was pleased to discover that planning a vacation six months in advance allows for six months of sheer joy whenever the thought pops into your head that said vacation is drawing nearer. I was amazed at the power the planning and anticipating process had to literally bring me to the brink of tears. Yay for vacation!!!
After pushing through a very intense year+ at work, when the time finally came to depart, I was Beyond Ready. Anna and I spent the day before our trip shopping and packing, including a trip to the recently-discovered Disney outlet in Pomona where we purchase a size 7-8 (she's a size 4) Sleeping Beauty costume. This precipitated the maiden voyage of the "new" sewing machine that Matt bought me for Christmas at the Goodwill. $20. Yes, $20 -- did I mention what a great husband I have? (It worked beautifully!)
With Princess paraphernalia and lots of sunscreen in tow, we headed off for our Magical Vacation...
This is the part where you expect me to say how the "honeymoon" came to a crashing end in a spectacular explosion of sunburn, nap-less preschooler tantrums, muggy Florida weather, long lines, and sickness (both sea and otherwise).
You know what, though?? Despite having all of the above (except the long lines -- we hardly waited 5 minutes for anything!) the trip actually managed to live up to and even exceed the incredibly high expectations of six months of waiting and dreaming.
It was a gift.
Disney vacation 2009: Somehow the perfect exclamation point at the end of a significant chapter of my life. I'm being serious. I know I keep saying that, but I'm struggling to express -- without being completely cheesy -- how significant this time was to me.
In a few (days? weeks? hours? minutes?), we're going to go from being a cozy little family of 3 to a crazy household of (4? 5? ...?) This will happen suddenly and without the ability to plan the way I (a planner while also spontaneous -- yes, both!) NEED to plan. He/she/they may be newborn, toddler, preschooler, singular, plural, male, female, black, white, hispanic, ????? They may stay for a short time and leave forever or come and put down roots in our home and become branches on our family tree. So, we're tilling the soil...and waiting for Change to engulf us.
So, maybe my Disney dream vacation was just a decadent, unrealistic departure from "real life" that allowed me to push foster-adoption, work, house-cleaning/organizing, and other cares completely out of my mind for a week. Or maybe it really was a special little blessed time from God to say, "Hey! Take a minute to savor the last few days of the Daddy, Mommy, Anna chapter of your life."
Now, as I'm fully back into Fall (Fall! I used to love you so much! Why have you betrayed me?) and totally overwhelmed with changes, work, a "huge" class of students (well, 10 is big when you're used to 4), uncertainty, my cell phone dying, my sister moving out, my Tivo losing everything I had recorded while I was on vacation, etc., I'm keenly aware that we can't hold tightly to anything except God's grace. And as I begin to have tiny glimpses of what this new phase of my life holds, I am eternally grateful that He has "written my days in his book." I don't need to read the end first...
So, here is installment number 2: Vacation and Fall (sadly, in that order)
If the last time you heard from me -- electronically or otherwise -- was the last time you read a post on this blog (i.e. fall 2007), BOY do I have a lot of catching you up to do! I'll save you all the details and summarize thusly:
* worked "part time", though with quite a full plate, at Azusa Pacific University from the time I returned to the States in July 2007 to March 2008.
* was hired full time as "Special Programs Coordinator" for the American Language and Culture Institute at APU a year and a half ago
* am teaching four classes (mainly research skills and academic reading and writing for international students) as well as:
--heading the International Writing Center at APU
--overseeing the American International Mentoring Program
--leading the Summer University Preparation Program
--serving as the Level 4 academic advisor for our department
--and occasionally teaching some extra courses in the TESOL Masters program
* am parenting a delightful and very energy-consuming 4.5 year old
As you might imagine, given all of the above, I found myself in March very much looking forward to my late-August, between-semesters (we teach year round with three semesters) vacation.
When Matt and I realized that he would actually be teaching at Fuller through my entire APU vacation time, I nearly had a meltdown. Praise God, my wonderfully gracious boss was willing to find someone who could cover my Orientation responsibilites, allowing Matt and I to *gasp* TRAVEL TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME!! (It's been a while... can you tell?)
The idea first came to me -- inconveniently -- in the middle of the night. Two little words with such power to delight!!!
.... Disney... cruise.....
I stayed up till about 3 a.m. researching and planning my sales pitch. We would drive to Florida to save money, take the 3 day cruise, and even get to see Matt's uncle and aunt as an extra bonus. And the price tag? A mere $*#&@...
In true "kid on Christmas morning form", I woke Matt at 5 a.m., giddy with my plans, and was thrilled to find that he was not only relatively unmiffed about the early wake up, but surprisingly open to my elaborate, expensive plan. (Actually, I shouldn't say I was surprised. He's usually pretty great about things like this. I really did get a Good One!)
Over the next few weeks (how does this happen?), the drive-to-Florida 3 day cruise slowly morphed into a cruise plus 2 days in the parks "because we HAVE TO see Epcot, but we can stay with your uncle to save money", which eventually became 4 days in parks "because it's only a few dollars more per day (really) once you get past a certain point", which ultimately ended with 4 days at a Disney resort with a day in each of the main theme parks before heading off for the 3 days at sea. I will say, in my defense, that Disney was offering a promotion where people who stayed on property got free Disney dining for the duration of their stay, which actually paid for the hotel, especially when you figure the cost of renting a car, parking, etc. Needless to say, this vacation became a Big Deal pretty quickly.
Despite the fact that I am generally a very spontaneous, last minute kind of person, I was pleased to discover that planning a vacation six months in advance allows for six months of sheer joy whenever the thought pops into your head that said vacation is drawing nearer. I was amazed at the power the planning and anticipating process had to literally bring me to the brink of tears. Yay for vacation!!!
After pushing through a very intense year+ at work, when the time finally came to depart, I was Beyond Ready. Anna and I spent the day before our trip shopping and packing, including a trip to the recently-discovered Disney outlet in Pomona where we purchase a size 7-8 (she's a size 4) Sleeping Beauty costume. This precipitated the maiden voyage of the "new" sewing machine that Matt bought me for Christmas at the Goodwill. $20. Yes, $20 -- did I mention what a great husband I have? (It worked beautifully!)
With Princess paraphernalia and lots of sunscreen in tow, we headed off for our Magical Vacation...
This is the part where you expect me to say how the "honeymoon" came to a crashing end in a spectacular explosion of sunburn, nap-less preschooler tantrums, muggy Florida weather, long lines, and sickness (both sea and otherwise).
You know what, though?? Despite having all of the above (except the long lines -- we hardly waited 5 minutes for anything!) the trip actually managed to live up to and even exceed the incredibly high expectations of six months of waiting and dreaming.
It was a gift.
Disney vacation 2009: Somehow the perfect exclamation point at the end of a significant chapter of my life. I'm being serious. I know I keep saying that, but I'm struggling to express -- without being completely cheesy -- how significant this time was to me.
In a few (days? weeks? hours? minutes?), we're going to go from being a cozy little family of 3 to a crazy household of (4? 5? ...?) This will happen suddenly and without the ability to plan the way I (a planner while also spontaneous -- yes, both!) NEED to plan. He/she/they may be newborn, toddler, preschooler, singular, plural, male, female, black, white, hispanic, ????? They may stay for a short time and leave forever or come and put down roots in our home and become branches on our family tree. So, we're tilling the soil...and waiting for Change to engulf us.
So, maybe my Disney dream vacation was just a decadent, unrealistic departure from "real life" that allowed me to push foster-adoption, work, house-cleaning/organizing, and other cares completely out of my mind for a week. Or maybe it really was a special little blessed time from God to say, "Hey! Take a minute to savor the last few days of the Daddy, Mommy, Anna chapter of your life."
Now, as I'm fully back into Fall (Fall! I used to love you so much! Why have you betrayed me?) and totally overwhelmed with changes, work, a "huge" class of students (well, 10 is big when you're used to 4), uncertainty, my cell phone dying, my sister moving out, my Tivo losing everything I had recorded while I was on vacation, etc., I'm keenly aware that we can't hold tightly to anything except God's grace. And as I begin to have tiny glimpses of what this new phase of my life holds, I am eternally grateful that He has "written my days in his book." I don't need to read the end first...
How did you know?
So, when I get to the page to write a new post (on this blog which, let's face it, I haven't posted on in about two years), I notice at the bottom of the text box the following prompt: "Labels for this post: eg. scooters, vacation, fall."
Weird.
Blogger must have been anticipating my return because these seemingly random tags are actually incredibly reflective of the three things that I wanted to post about upon the occasion of my return to the blogosphere. Yes. I'm actually serious.
Scooters (more on vacation and fall in another post...)
As I pulled into the driveway of my little mobile home (we bought a little mobile home last year -- and before you scoff, it's actually a great little house), I noticed it. We affectionately refer to it as "the Tupperwaremobile" -- the 2001 Honda Elite 80 motor scooter that we bought when we were both within a 3 mile commuting distance from work and living carelessly in the pre-child haze of newlywededness. Owning a scooter was fun while it lasted. Upon our decision to move to Prague, we tried to sell the scooter -- and even had an offer that we would pounce on now -- but made the unfortunate choice to keep it in storage in my parents' garage, with my dad's promises to run it from time to time.
In the two years since we returned from (our four years) living overseas, the scooter has come to represent a whole class of objects that I would rather pretend don't exist: the Things-That-We-Don't-Want-But-Are-Too-Valuable-To-Sell-At-A-Garage-Sale-But-We-Don't-Have-Time-to-List-On-Craigslist-Or-Have-Tried-With-No-Luck-Because-We-Can't-Sell-Them-For-Even-Close-to-What-They're-Worth-In-This-Economy.
Do you have one of these sections in your garage, too? Or perhaps in your Scary-Closet/Backroom-Where-You-Throw-Things-And-Try-To-Pretend-They-Don't-Exist?
Anyway, since moving into our own home, we've done a pretty darn good job of weeding things out, particulary as we're preparing for the addition of one or two new little people to our home any day now. (More about this, certainly, in many posts to come.) Space is limited, so I have zero tolerance for clutter and junk we don't use.
But the scooter remains.
Backing up to the "dad's garage" portion of the story... While I'm genuinely not complaining and probably would have done the same thing myself, my dad basically drove the scooter twice in four years and left it to gather an inch of dust and become a buffet for mice. Yes, literally. After trying to pretend it didn't exist for two years, Matt finally tried to start the scooter up a few weeks ago. This proved unsucessful and, a $300+ dollar trip to the scooter mechanic later, we learned that rodents had literally chewed up the electrical system (on top of the aforementioned fact that it hadn't been run in half a decade.)
We were able to get the thing running well enough to bring it home (it's actually in pretty good condition now!), but the mechanical problems were only the first hurdle. The fact that the registration lapsed two years ago (very long story) is proving to be the bigger challenge in our crazy over-busy lives these days. DMV? No thanks.
Thus, arriving at home tonight and seeing the scooter sitting in the driveway, well on its way to what could realistically be another 6 years of sitting completely unused (no! we won't let that happen this time... will we?) reminded me that sometimes in life, you just have to accept that checking that last item off the To-Do list is really, truly, never going to happen. And maybe that's okay. Or, if this one particular thing does get accomplished, another will come along to take its place at the bottom of the list.
Hmmmm....
Anybody want to buy a scooter?
Weird.
Blogger must have been anticipating my return because these seemingly random tags are actually incredibly reflective of the three things that I wanted to post about upon the occasion of my return to the blogosphere. Yes. I'm actually serious.
Scooters (more on vacation and fall in another post...)
As I pulled into the driveway of my little mobile home (we bought a little mobile home last year -- and before you scoff, it's actually a great little house), I noticed it. We affectionately refer to it as "the Tupperwaremobile" -- the 2001 Honda Elite 80 motor scooter that we bought when we were both within a 3 mile commuting distance from work and living carelessly in the pre-child haze of newlywededness. Owning a scooter was fun while it lasted. Upon our decision to move to Prague, we tried to sell the scooter -- and even had an offer that we would pounce on now -- but made the unfortunate choice to keep it in storage in my parents' garage, with my dad's promises to run it from time to time.
In the two years since we returned from (our four years) living overseas, the scooter has come to represent a whole class of objects that I would rather pretend don't exist: the Things-That-We-Don't-Want-But-Are-Too-Valuable-To-Sell-At-A-Garage-Sale-But-We-Don't-Have-Time-to-List-On-Craigslist-Or-Have-Tried-With-No-Luck-Because-We-Can't-Sell-Them-For-Even-Close-to-What-They're-Worth-In-This-Economy.
Do you have one of these sections in your garage, too? Or perhaps in your Scary-Closet/Backroom-Where-You-Throw-Things-And-Try-To-Pretend-They-Don't-Exist?
Anyway, since moving into our own home, we've done a pretty darn good job of weeding things out, particulary as we're preparing for the addition of one or two new little people to our home any day now. (More about this, certainly, in many posts to come.) Space is limited, so I have zero tolerance for clutter and junk we don't use.
But the scooter remains.
Backing up to the "dad's garage" portion of the story... While I'm genuinely not complaining and probably would have done the same thing myself, my dad basically drove the scooter twice in four years and left it to gather an inch of dust and become a buffet for mice. Yes, literally. After trying to pretend it didn't exist for two years, Matt finally tried to start the scooter up a few weeks ago. This proved unsucessful and, a $300+ dollar trip to the scooter mechanic later, we learned that rodents had literally chewed up the electrical system (on top of the aforementioned fact that it hadn't been run in half a decade.)
We were able to get the thing running well enough to bring it home (it's actually in pretty good condition now!), but the mechanical problems were only the first hurdle. The fact that the registration lapsed two years ago (very long story) is proving to be the bigger challenge in our crazy over-busy lives these days. DMV? No thanks.
Thus, arriving at home tonight and seeing the scooter sitting in the driveway, well on its way to what could realistically be another 6 years of sitting completely unused (no! we won't let that happen this time... will we?) reminded me that sometimes in life, you just have to accept that checking that last item off the To-Do list is really, truly, never going to happen. And maybe that's okay. Or, if this one particular thing does get accomplished, another will come along to take its place at the bottom of the list.
Hmmmm....
Anybody want to buy a scooter?
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Here we go!
I feel like I am being launched full speed ahead into this fall.
During the spring, Matt and I spent endless hours applying for jobs, researching all the cities where the potential jobs were located, and dreaming about what our return to the U.S. after four years in Prague might hold. This is what I imagined:
When said job for Matt did not materialize for this fall, I envisioned a very different year:
Vision two, though disappointing on many levels, had one feature to recommend it. It would involve a restful summer, during which we could decompress and try to process the *major* transitions our family has been through in this past year. I was really looking forward to this time.
God has surprised me.
Yes, we are living with my parents in La Verne (Southern California). However, the moment Anna and I stepped off the plane on June 14th, we were launched into a new, busy, unexpected phase of life. Matt stayed in Prague till early July, wrapping up some business and spending time with some friends who had planned a visit. This meant that I had Anna duty all by myself for almost three weeks--a somewhat daunting task on its own, not to mention on top of some of the worst jet lag I have ever experienced. My parents and Christy helped me immeasurable when they were not at work, but the days were still long!
In early July, I began a new job teaching international students in the Summer University Preparation Program at my M.A. alma mater, Azusa Pacific University. This was a wild, wonderful, draining, rewarding whirlwind! In four weeks, I came to know and love fifteen students from Argentina and Taiawan. As soon as they came, it seemed, we were bidding tearful goodbyes.
I had anticipated an empty August--that much-longed-for rest and processing time--but this month has quickly filled up as well. During my interview process for the summer school program, the Provost asked me if I would consider teaching a First-Year Writing Seminar. Thinking that the ESL deparment would have no more than 10 - 15 teach hours for me in the fall, I gratefully hopped on board in the English department as well.
As it turns out, I am now teaching five new classes in the fall:
*First-Year Writing Seminar (on the theme of Christian Missions: Being and Making Disciples)
*Advanced Grammar/Seminar Speaking
*Research Skills
*Presentation Skills
*Audit Report (a 1 unit class which supports international students as they observe an undergraduate course in their field, trying to learn about the culture of American education)
Wow!
August filled up quickly with debriefing the summer school program, making a short visit up to my sister Sarah in San Luis Obispo, participating in a Teaching Writing seminar (in preparation for the First-Year Writing Course), caring for Anna while Matt took the same seminar the following week (he will be teaching First-Year Writing, too), and now planning and preparing for the five new courses.
Busy! Busy! Busy!
I've only had one meltdown, though the pressure feels fairly constant. Fortunately, we made the wonderful decision of buying season passes to Disneyland, in lieu of the vacation to visit Matt's family in Ohio, which we hoped to take in August. So, there have been some bright points. Watching Anna discover the joys of carousels, the Dumbo ride, having her picture taken with her idol (Winnie the Pooh), and It's a Small World (it's actually sweet through the eyes of a child...), has been beautiful.
School starts on September 5th, and both Matt and I are a little bit dazed by how this fall has shaped up. Although I will be working A LOT more than I expected (basically full time), I am getting to do work that's not only in my field, but building some really key skills and experience that I have wanted to develop for a long time. Matt has been approved as part of the adjunct pool for biblical studies at Azusa Pacific. Though they don't have any openings for the fall, there may be opportunities to teach in the spring at the undergraduate and/or graduate levels.
Although Matt wouldn't necessarily have imagined himself teaching writing to first year students, in many ways it makes much more sense than the other part-time jobs he might have taken on in this "gap time." He is able to build the course around a theme connected to his field and interests: Religious Themes in Science Fiction. This will not only be more enjoyable for him than serving overpriced, half-caff iced beverages to the masses, but it is a good thing to have on a resume when working in academia. Many professors dread being asked to "put in time" teaching new students to write. Matt has embraced it with enthusiasm and is vieweing it as an opportunity to learn how to be a more effective teacher, while building connections at APU.
So, it will be a much-busier-than-expected, less-poor-than-expected year for us. We are committed to making Anna a priority in the midst of it all, for which we would appreciate your prayers. Continuing to live with my family, at least for the fall, will actually make that easier, as our financial stressors will be less and our support system will be much stronger. Anna is already thriving in the loving soil of grandma and grandpa's home, where she is showered with affection and attention from five smitten care-givers. She's never been happier, and we are much more at peace, not having to shoulder the stresses of parenting all on our own in the midst of this transition.
God has been very, very good to us. The key now will be managing to do the processing that we still very badly need to do: about our leaving Prague, about becoming parents to a cross-culturally adopted toddler, about working more fully into our careers. IT'S BEEN A BIG YEAR!!!
If you're still reading this far down, thanks for your patience...and your prayers.
During the spring, Matt and I spent endless hours applying for jobs, researching all the cities where the potential jobs were located, and dreaming about what our return to the U.S. after four years in Prague might hold. This is what I imagined:
Matt teaching Old Testament in a one-year sabbatical leave position somewhere in a small town in the Mid-West. Me adjusting to life as a stay-at-home-mom, with Matt working most of the time. Setting up a little aparment. Trying to make new friends, find a new church, and establish routines. Being in major reverse culture shock.
When said job for Matt did not materialize for this fall, I envisioned a very different year:
Living with my parents. Being extremely poor. Having to settle for part-time jobs outside our fields (a la coffee shop/book store/bank teller). Feeling somewhat purposeless and transient. Spending the whole year applying for something like vision one above--for next year.
Vision two, though disappointing on many levels, had one feature to recommend it. It would involve a restful summer, during which we could decompress and try to process the *major* transitions our family has been through in this past year. I was really looking forward to this time.
God has surprised me.
Yes, we are living with my parents in La Verne (Southern California). However, the moment Anna and I stepped off the plane on June 14th, we were launched into a new, busy, unexpected phase of life. Matt stayed in Prague till early July, wrapping up some business and spending time with some friends who had planned a visit. This meant that I had Anna duty all by myself for almost three weeks--a somewhat daunting task on its own, not to mention on top of some of the worst jet lag I have ever experienced. My parents and Christy helped me immeasurable when they were not at work, but the days were still long!
In early July, I began a new job teaching international students in the Summer University Preparation Program at my M.A. alma mater, Azusa Pacific University. This was a wild, wonderful, draining, rewarding whirlwind! In four weeks, I came to know and love fifteen students from Argentina and Taiawan. As soon as they came, it seemed, we were bidding tearful goodbyes.
I had anticipated an empty August--that much-longed-for rest and processing time--but this month has quickly filled up as well. During my interview process for the summer school program, the Provost asked me if I would consider teaching a First-Year Writing Seminar. Thinking that the ESL deparment would have no more than 10 - 15 teach hours for me in the fall, I gratefully hopped on board in the English department as well.
As it turns out, I am now teaching five new classes in the fall:
*First-Year Writing Seminar (on the theme of Christian Missions: Being and Making Disciples)
*Advanced Grammar/Seminar Speaking
*Research Skills
*Presentation Skills
*Audit Report (a 1 unit class which supports international students as they observe an undergraduate course in their field, trying to learn about the culture of American education)
Wow!
August filled up quickly with debriefing the summer school program, making a short visit up to my sister Sarah in San Luis Obispo, participating in a Teaching Writing seminar (in preparation for the First-Year Writing Course), caring for Anna while Matt took the same seminar the following week (he will be teaching First-Year Writing, too), and now planning and preparing for the five new courses.
Busy! Busy! Busy!
I've only had one meltdown, though the pressure feels fairly constant. Fortunately, we made the wonderful decision of buying season passes to Disneyland, in lieu of the vacation to visit Matt's family in Ohio, which we hoped to take in August. So, there have been some bright points. Watching Anna discover the joys of carousels, the Dumbo ride, having her picture taken with her idol (Winnie the Pooh), and It's a Small World (it's actually sweet through the eyes of a child...), has been beautiful.
School starts on September 5th, and both Matt and I are a little bit dazed by how this fall has shaped up. Although I will be working A LOT more than I expected (basically full time), I am getting to do work that's not only in my field, but building some really key skills and experience that I have wanted to develop for a long time. Matt has been approved as part of the adjunct pool for biblical studies at Azusa Pacific. Though they don't have any openings for the fall, there may be opportunities to teach in the spring at the undergraduate and/or graduate levels.
Although Matt wouldn't necessarily have imagined himself teaching writing to first year students, in many ways it makes much more sense than the other part-time jobs he might have taken on in this "gap time." He is able to build the course around a theme connected to his field and interests: Religious Themes in Science Fiction. This will not only be more enjoyable for him than serving overpriced, half-caff iced beverages to the masses, but it is a good thing to have on a resume when working in academia. Many professors dread being asked to "put in time" teaching new students to write. Matt has embraced it with enthusiasm and is vieweing it as an opportunity to learn how to be a more effective teacher, while building connections at APU.
So, it will be a much-busier-than-expected, less-poor-than-expected year for us. We are committed to making Anna a priority in the midst of it all, for which we would appreciate your prayers. Continuing to live with my family, at least for the fall, will actually make that easier, as our financial stressors will be less and our support system will be much stronger. Anna is already thriving in the loving soil of grandma and grandpa's home, where she is showered with affection and attention from five smitten care-givers. She's never been happier, and we are much more at peace, not having to shoulder the stresses of parenting all on our own in the midst of this transition.
God has been very, very good to us. The key now will be managing to do the processing that we still very badly need to do: about our leaving Prague, about becoming parents to a cross-culturally adopted toddler, about working more fully into our careers. IT'S BEEN A BIG YEAR!!!
If you're still reading this far down, thanks for your patience...and your prayers.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Back in So. Cal and feelin'.....weird
I arrived at LAX at about 9pm on Thursday, June 14th, after about 36 hours of not sleeping and corraling a 2 year old on a 14 hour flight. Matt remained in Prague to wrap up some details (like selling our car) and hang out with friends who were coming to town. He'll be here on July 3rd.
Though exhausted, I was still able to appreciate the awesomeness of going through immigration at the airport and getting that little stamp in Anna's passport that says she's finally an American citizen! What a long process...
My parents are so thrilled to have her here. We all sang E-I-E-I-O the whole car trip home and she was bathed in love. When we arrived at their house, her response was, "Wow!" several times. She seems to genuinely love it here.
The next day was full of new discoveries: the playhouse that Grandpa built, the pool, all the fun toys, and the park around the corner. This is a good house for kids.
I, on the other hand, had a very hard first few days. I was really hit with sadness about leaving Prague and missing Matt. Sleep was a big problem for about the first week. Anna slept 4 hours, 6 hours, then 8 hours. She's finally back to 10-11, which is great, and I'm not waking up every hour any more. That helps a lot with perspective.
It's been great to reconnect with good friends, though I've felt lonely in the day while everybody is at work and I'm here with Anna. I have been so blessed the past year to have Matt around so much with us sharing a job and doing a lot of work from home. I will really miss that.
Last week I had a job interview (the final stage of the process for this job which I basically already have but just needed to formalize by meeting with higher up administration reps.) It went amazingly well, despite the fact that I was still pretty foggy headed from not sleeping. They said they really liked my writing (in my cover letter and essays) and were wondering if I would consider teaching Freshman Writing too. I'm supposed to have an interview for that in about a week. Wild!
So, if all goes well, I will be teaching in a 5 week intensive English program for international students who are hoping to go to college in the States. I will be helping to prepare them for the study skills they will need to succeed in the US university context. This excites me greatly and is basically my dream job. If we stay in So. Cal. in the fall, I can probably continue in the same job.
If you're reading this and are inclined to pray, here are a few current things that we're really needing God's help with:
*We need to sell our car in Prague and that has proved to be much more difficult than we expected. It's a bad time of year because everybody is leaving Prague in June. We may need to transfer it to a trusted friend and then try to sell it again in the early fall. This is less than ideal, but might work fine. Please pray for wisdom in how to handle it, protection for the car from any accidents/theft etc., and a good buyer who can be blessed by it as much as we were.
*We're still working on job possibilities and that takes a lot of faith. It's not an easy thing to apply from overseas. Please pray for provision of exactly the right job(s) and for peace in the midst of all the waiting and the big changes.
*This is a tough time financially as we are between jobs. We are praying that many of our supporters will understand this and be moved to continue their support temporarily until we are more settled.
Though exhausted, I was still able to appreciate the awesomeness of going through immigration at the airport and getting that little stamp in Anna's passport that says she's finally an American citizen! What a long process...
My parents are so thrilled to have her here. We all sang E-I-E-I-O the whole car trip home and she was bathed in love. When we arrived at their house, her response was, "Wow!" several times. She seems to genuinely love it here.
The next day was full of new discoveries: the playhouse that Grandpa built, the pool, all the fun toys, and the park around the corner. This is a good house for kids.
I, on the other hand, had a very hard first few days. I was really hit with sadness about leaving Prague and missing Matt. Sleep was a big problem for about the first week. Anna slept 4 hours, 6 hours, then 8 hours. She's finally back to 10-11, which is great, and I'm not waking up every hour any more. That helps a lot with perspective.
It's been great to reconnect with good friends, though I've felt lonely in the day while everybody is at work and I'm here with Anna. I have been so blessed the past year to have Matt around so much with us sharing a job and doing a lot of work from home. I will really miss that.
Last week I had a job interview (the final stage of the process for this job which I basically already have but just needed to formalize by meeting with higher up administration reps.) It went amazingly well, despite the fact that I was still pretty foggy headed from not sleeping. They said they really liked my writing (in my cover letter and essays) and were wondering if I would consider teaching Freshman Writing too. I'm supposed to have an interview for that in about a week. Wild!
So, if all goes well, I will be teaching in a 5 week intensive English program for international students who are hoping to go to college in the States. I will be helping to prepare them for the study skills they will need to succeed in the US university context. This excites me greatly and is basically my dream job. If we stay in So. Cal. in the fall, I can probably continue in the same job.
If you're reading this and are inclined to pray, here are a few current things that we're really needing God's help with:
*We need to sell our car in Prague and that has proved to be much more difficult than we expected. It's a bad time of year because everybody is leaving Prague in June. We may need to transfer it to a trusted friend and then try to sell it again in the early fall. This is less than ideal, but might work fine. Please pray for wisdom in how to handle it, protection for the car from any accidents/theft etc., and a good buyer who can be blessed by it as much as we were.
*We're still working on job possibilities and that takes a lot of faith. It's not an easy thing to apply from overseas. Please pray for provision of exactly the right job(s) and for peace in the midst of all the waiting and the big changes.
*This is a tough time financially as we are between jobs. We are praying that many of our supporters will understand this and be moved to continue their support temporarily until we are more settled.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Learning to play
The past few days, we've taken Anna to several new parks. The fun thing is that she has finally hit the point where she really PLAYS at the park.
In the fall and winter, whenever we would go to a playground (perhaps due to the cold or her having just learned to walk in September), she just kind of stood there or would rely on us to put her on the rocking horse, pick her up and put her down the slide etc.
Now, she is learning how to climb up and then go down the slide all by herself - and she is SO PROUD! :-) It's really cute to see how excited she gets.
The other cute thing is that she likes to make friends with the other moms at the park (not so much the kids, but the moms). She'll cozy up to some stranger in the sandbox, which inevitably gets a lot of amused attention. She knows how to work a crowd.
The other day (on "Easter Monday" - the day that Czechs celebrate Easter), we went to a park near the Brevnov monastery, not far from our home. There was a little boy there playing with a bouncy ball with his mom. Anna's eyes got big and she immediately ran over and tried to take the ball. Fortunately, he found this amusing and sweetly shared it with her. For the next half hour, she chased him around, arms outstretched, little a tiny ball monster trying to steal it from him. It was really funny.
Anyway, all of this to say that "our little girl is growing up", which is both wonderfully sweet and a little sad. She seems more like a kid and less like a baby every day. But it's so much fun to watch her discover the world and her own abilities.
In the fall and winter, whenever we would go to a playground (perhaps due to the cold or her having just learned to walk in September), she just kind of stood there or would rely on us to put her on the rocking horse, pick her up and put her down the slide etc.
Now, she is learning how to climb up and then go down the slide all by herself - and she is SO PROUD! :-) It's really cute to see how excited she gets.
The other cute thing is that she likes to make friends with the other moms at the park (not so much the kids, but the moms). She'll cozy up to some stranger in the sandbox, which inevitably gets a lot of amused attention. She knows how to work a crowd.
The other day (on "Easter Monday" - the day that Czechs celebrate Easter), we went to a park near the Brevnov monastery, not far from our home. There was a little boy there playing with a bouncy ball with his mom. Anna's eyes got big and she immediately ran over and tried to take the ball. Fortunately, he found this amusing and sweetly shared it with her. For the next half hour, she chased him around, arms outstretched, little a tiny ball monster trying to steal it from him. It was really funny.
Anyway, all of this to say that "our little girl is growing up", which is both wonderfully sweet and a little sad. She seems more like a kid and less like a baby every day. But it's so much fun to watch her discover the world and her own abilities.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Friday, April 06, 2007
New hobbies
In the past week I have been trying to watch less tv, so Matt and I have been developing new hobbies. For example, last night we played Taboo (less fun with two people, but still enjoyable) and Speed Scrabble.
If you have never played Speed Scrabble, write me a comment and I will tell you how to play it. It' much more fun than normal Scrabble, in my humble opinion.
My other new hobby...which may not last more than a couple of weeks, but I'm having fun with it for the moment... is Myspace. Myspace is one of the American cultural phenomena which seems to have arisen entirely during our time in the Czech Republic (along with Paris Hilton, The OC, and the whole grain diet revolution). I never even heard of Myspace until about a year ago and I was convinced that it was definitely not for people like me. But I've given in and I'm actually finding it quite enjoyable.
Things I like about Myspace:
*adding a pretty background
*trying to find people to be my "friends"
*actually having contact with my sister Sarah via computer (this is a very big deal! :-)
*using a bit of html again - haven't done this since college
Other than the keeping in touch with Sarah aspect, I would probably loose interest in the other above mentioned things about Myspace, largely because I really am the sort of person who has a small, close knit group of friends, rather than the type who is up late at night ready random people's internet profiles and trying to build up my social connections. In fact, I have been bombarded with "friend" requests from complete strangers, none of which I have accepted because their profiles revealed them to be fairly scary individuals with whom I would rather not be associated.
The genius and perhaps the sickness of Myspace, however, is that I actually considered accepting some of those people's invitation, solely based on the fact that I feel bummed when I see that other people have, for example, 165 "friends" and I have (at last count) 16. Oh well... I never aspired to be Miss Popularity, so I simply remind myself that 16 very good friends are certainly more valuable than hundreds of complete strangers who pretend to be friends for the sake of a number.
So, that's my ramble for today.
If you have never played Speed Scrabble, write me a comment and I will tell you how to play it. It' much more fun than normal Scrabble, in my humble opinion.
My other new hobby...which may not last more than a couple of weeks, but I'm having fun with it for the moment... is Myspace. Myspace is one of the American cultural phenomena which seems to have arisen entirely during our time in the Czech Republic (along with Paris Hilton, The OC, and the whole grain diet revolution). I never even heard of Myspace until about a year ago and I was convinced that it was definitely not for people like me. But I've given in and I'm actually finding it quite enjoyable.
Things I like about Myspace:
*adding a pretty background
*trying to find people to be my "friends"
*actually having contact with my sister Sarah via computer (this is a very big deal! :-)
*using a bit of html again - haven't done this since college
Other than the keeping in touch with Sarah aspect, I would probably loose interest in the other above mentioned things about Myspace, largely because I really am the sort of person who has a small, close knit group of friends, rather than the type who is up late at night ready random people's internet profiles and trying to build up my social connections. In fact, I have been bombarded with "friend" requests from complete strangers, none of which I have accepted because their profiles revealed them to be fairly scary individuals with whom I would rather not be associated.
The genius and perhaps the sickness of Myspace, however, is that I actually considered accepting some of those people's invitation, solely based on the fact that I feel bummed when I see that other people have, for example, 165 "friends" and I have (at last count) 16. Oh well... I never aspired to be Miss Popularity, so I simply remind myself that 16 very good friends are certainly more valuable than hundreds of complete strangers who pretend to be friends for the sake of a number.
So, that's my ramble for today.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Can it be 6 months already???
To our amazement, we just celebrated 6 months of Anna's time in our home on March 15th, 2007. It's incredible how quickly the time passes!
Here are some highlights of the past 6 months:
Here are some highlights of the past 6 months:
- March 15th, 2007 - enjoyed a special family meal out at a Lebanese restaurant to celebrate 6 months of Anna's being at home with us
- March 19, 2007 - we applied for a new birth certificate with our names as Anna's parents
- March 17, 2007 - dropped off the paperwork to classify Anna as an immediate relative so that she can immigrate to the USA with us
- February 27, 2007 - we went to court to finalize the adoption. The judge said "Yes!"
- February 17, 2007 - celebrated her 2nd birthday with friends at the Seminary
- December 25, 2006 - enjoyed our first Christmas together as a family and a visit from Nana and Paw Paw Thomas (Matt's parents)
- November 2006 - attended the TeachOverseas Thanksgiving Retreat together, her first Thanksgiving Dinner!
- October 2006 - dressed up as an adorable bumble bee for her first Halloween
It's such a delight to see all the ways that Anna is growing and changing. She's moved from size 12 month clothing to 18 month, size 3 to size 6 shoes, 75 to 80cm, and lots more...
She is able to walk, run, dance, climb up on chairs and up and down stairs, sing several songs (in her own baby language), speak tons of words and a few phrases, understand much of what we say, and carry on long phone "conversations"...
She loves music, food, taking a bath, everyone at the seminary, going for walks, wearing pretty clothes (she is very fashion conscious!), trying on Mom and Dad's shoes and gloves, swimming, and the Psalty videos...
We feel so fortunate that we get to be Anna's parents!
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Addendum to First Christmas
I am happy to report that the Christmas mood has hit me at last. Interestingly, it came while sitting late at night under the lights of our tiny Christmas tree, which we finally put up on the day that I wrote my last post.
For some reason, Christmas trees really speak to me. I think it is the way they are a link to so many memories. Matt and I enjoyed recollecting the story of each little ornament--all of which we've bought on European travels or recieved as special gifts since we arrived here. This kind of story-telling is one of the reasons why ornaments are my favorite souvenir to buy while traveling. They have the advantage that they can be something a little kitsch while still be useful--and I'm guaranteed to actually get them out and look at them at least once a year.
Ever year in Advent I also try to think more deeply about the person of Jesus and let him meet me in a new way. Truthfully, that has been hard this year because I feel so distracted by all the things we've got to do in the course of a day. But I am trying to be open and have a posture of listening. I'm pleased because my book group which reads the works of Henri Nouwen (one of my favorite spiritual writers) may be reading a book about Jesus as our next text. It was written by Nouwen to his 19 year old nephew who was struggling with what it meant to follow Christ in a very secular world. I am looking forward to reading Nouwen's thoughts and discussing with this group of wonderful, reflective women. Monday nights are one of my favorite times of the week. :-)
Well, that's all for now...
For some reason, Christmas trees really speak to me. I think it is the way they are a link to so many memories. Matt and I enjoyed recollecting the story of each little ornament--all of which we've bought on European travels or recieved as special gifts since we arrived here. This kind of story-telling is one of the reasons why ornaments are my favorite souvenir to buy while traveling. They have the advantage that they can be something a little kitsch while still be useful--and I'm guaranteed to actually get them out and look at them at least once a year.
Ever year in Advent I also try to think more deeply about the person of Jesus and let him meet me in a new way. Truthfully, that has been hard this year because I feel so distracted by all the things we've got to do in the course of a day. But I am trying to be open and have a posture of listening. I'm pleased because my book group which reads the works of Henri Nouwen (one of my favorite spiritual writers) may be reading a book about Jesus as our next text. It was written by Nouwen to his 19 year old nephew who was struggling with what it meant to follow Christ in a very secular world. I am looking forward to reading Nouwen's thoughts and discussing with this group of wonderful, reflective women. Monday nights are one of my favorite times of the week. :-)
Well, that's all for now...
Friday, December 08, 2006
First Christmas
I don't know about you, but everyone I've been talking to around here lately has felt that Christmas came way too early this year. Maybe global weather patterns are changing or there's some other good explanation, but somehow the holidays are just here sooner than they feel like they should be and it's kind of bumming me out.
We spent Thanksgiving, as we do every year in the Czech Republic, at the Thanksgiving Retreat put on by our missions organization, TeachOverseas. It was a strange experience in a lot of ways because it was our first time travelling with Anna so we were in very new territory. We ended up bringing our car just because of all the baby gear we needed to lug along so as not to disrupt Her Royal Highness's routine too much (thus leading to less sleep on the part of the lowly peon parents... our true motivations emerge. :-)
Although it was a good retreat, the Thanksgiving meal itself left a lot to be desired. It was prepared by the Czech hotel's restaurant staff and it just wasn't like mom would make (it was basically just turkey with mashed potatoes and gravy). So, we were relieved to learn that we were invited to a "round 2" Thanksgiving feast the following Saturday with several of the TeachOverseas folks. This time, it was exquisitely American and felt like a proper feast. Anna loved everything and fell asleep that night with a glowing, contented smile as if saying, "Something pleasant has just happened to me and I hope it happens again."
So, two Thanksgivings under our belt, you might expect it would feel like it's about time for Christmas. To be fair, it does feel more that way than after the first one (at which point I felt physically ill at the sight of the Tesco mega mall all dolled up for Christmas). The day after Thanksgiving #2, we headed to the home of some friends from church for a Christmas carol sing-a-long, complete with a wide variety of familiar cookies and a genuine, homemade cheeseball (yippeeee!!!) This put us in the holiday mood, though the strange lack of snow this December (Prague is generally very white in the winter) has left us wondering what to expect.
I still feel a lingering "let down" feeling about this Christmas season, though, and I'm not sure why. Somehow it just seems that it's not time yet and to have Christmas now is gratuitous and extravagant. Didn't we just do all this a few months ago?
One way I'm trying to recapture the joy of Christmas is looking at it through Anna's eyes. Though this is not her first Christmas, she is a lot more aware of her surroundings now than she was at 10 months of age. I had fun the other day buying her some musical instruments (her main present from us) and it's been great receiving gifts for her from friends and family around the world. I am excited to watch her soak up the beautiful Christmas hymns and read the tiny board book we have about the Baby Jesus. Though I know she doesn't completely understand about him yet, she has learned to recognize his name. (The other day I said, "Ani, let's read about Jesus." and she went to the bookshelf, scanned the books, picked out her Baby's First Bible and brought it back to me with a big smile. I also tell her about him every night and how much he loves her and she pleasantly agrees, "Yeah... Mm hmmm..." as if to say, "Of course he does, Mom, what's not to love?")
Although I am glad to be able to share this holiday with her and I know I can focus on God's coming in my life (in gratitude for his Son's birth and in openness to the new ways he wants to come into my life), can it be that I am already hitting that point where Christmas has lost its magic? I hope that this is primarily the result of the general slightly-overwhelmed-and-tired- most-of-the-time-ness of being a new parent. Maybe once our teaching is done at the end of next week (and we have several weeks of vacation to enjoy--my favorite perk of being a teacher!) I will feel different.
We spent Thanksgiving, as we do every year in the Czech Republic, at the Thanksgiving Retreat put on by our missions organization, TeachOverseas. It was a strange experience in a lot of ways because it was our first time travelling with Anna so we were in very new territory. We ended up bringing our car just because of all the baby gear we needed to lug along so as not to disrupt Her Royal Highness's routine too much (thus leading to less sleep on the part of the lowly peon parents... our true motivations emerge. :-)
Although it was a good retreat, the Thanksgiving meal itself left a lot to be desired. It was prepared by the Czech hotel's restaurant staff and it just wasn't like mom would make (it was basically just turkey with mashed potatoes and gravy). So, we were relieved to learn that we were invited to a "round 2" Thanksgiving feast the following Saturday with several of the TeachOverseas folks. This time, it was exquisitely American and felt like a proper feast. Anna loved everything and fell asleep that night with a glowing, contented smile as if saying, "Something pleasant has just happened to me and I hope it happens again."
So, two Thanksgivings under our belt, you might expect it would feel like it's about time for Christmas. To be fair, it does feel more that way than after the first one (at which point I felt physically ill at the sight of the Tesco mega mall all dolled up for Christmas). The day after Thanksgiving #2, we headed to the home of some friends from church for a Christmas carol sing-a-long, complete with a wide variety of familiar cookies and a genuine, homemade cheeseball (yippeeee!!!) This put us in the holiday mood, though the strange lack of snow this December (Prague is generally very white in the winter) has left us wondering what to expect.
I still feel a lingering "let down" feeling about this Christmas season, though, and I'm not sure why. Somehow it just seems that it's not time yet and to have Christmas now is gratuitous and extravagant. Didn't we just do all this a few months ago?
One way I'm trying to recapture the joy of Christmas is looking at it through Anna's eyes. Though this is not her first Christmas, she is a lot more aware of her surroundings now than she was at 10 months of age. I had fun the other day buying her some musical instruments (her main present from us) and it's been great receiving gifts for her from friends and family around the world. I am excited to watch her soak up the beautiful Christmas hymns and read the tiny board book we have about the Baby Jesus. Though I know she doesn't completely understand about him yet, she has learned to recognize his name. (The other day I said, "Ani, let's read about Jesus." and she went to the bookshelf, scanned the books, picked out her Baby's First Bible and brought it back to me with a big smile. I also tell her about him every night and how much he loves her and she pleasantly agrees, "Yeah... Mm hmmm..." as if to say, "Of course he does, Mom, what's not to love?")
Although I am glad to be able to share this holiday with her and I know I can focus on God's coming in my life (in gratitude for his Son's birth and in openness to the new ways he wants to come into my life), can it be that I am already hitting that point where Christmas has lost its magic? I hope that this is primarily the result of the general slightly-overwhelmed-and-tired- most-of-the-time-ness of being a new parent. Maybe once our teaching is done at the end of next week (and we have several weeks of vacation to enjoy--my favorite perk of being a teacher!) I will feel different.
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