Thank you, Mary Mary

It's sad to me how pretty much all of my "recent" blog posts have been so melancholy. But that's just kind of how life is right now. There's a lot of good and I am thankful for it, but there's a lot of pain, too.

On Monday, I officially entered my third trimester. It's fun to feel the baby moving and see the obvious physical evidence that he's growing bigger every day. I'm so looking forward to having a baby in the house again. It was such a joy having little Sarah. In fact, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it! Part of me had assumed that it would sometimes feel monotonous to repeat the same eat, change, sleep routine over and over again all day. Surprisingly, in 5 months with her, I never found myself resenting or feeling tired of nurturing her and meeting her needs. I imagine I will feel a similar joy in caring for Noah, even though I know the physical challenges will be greater this time since I'll be recovering from giving birth.

In the midst of the joyful expectancy of this new baby, though, I'm still struggling with the challenge of being a mom to the two already in my care. It's a crazy phase of life with preschool and toddler kids at home. So many joys and funny moments, but so much exhaustion! Matt and I both feel the lack of a social life and the drain of very little "time off" from our daily routines.

Praise God, though, that both Anna and Isaiah seem to be thriving. Sweet big sister Anna is growing beautifully into her new role and coming to really enjoy the companionship of a little brother -- most of the time! Yesterday was a rough day for all of us, and I saw her stepping up to engage and encourage him. At bed time, when Matt and I got distracted with something that needed to be addressed right away, I noticed Anna crawl with Isaiah into her "reading nook" under her new loft bed and proceed to "read" him a Lion King story book. She was so dear, and he was loving every moment of it.

Isaiah has progressed so much since he came. The child who was once withdrawn, grieving, fearful, mistrusting, and so hurt now radiates with happiness and a sense of well-being and belonging the majority of the time. He is very close to Matt, which is beautiful to see. God's grace is doing a great work of healing in his little life. We were also very encouraged when the court ruled against the former caretaker who was trying to regain custody of him. It was a long and frustrating journey, but the judge finally acknowledge her unfitness as a parent. It was painful for me to see her grief, knowing how much it hurt when they took Baby Sarah away from Matt and me, but I know that it was not at all in Isaiah's best interest to go back to her. Now we can focus our thoughts and energy on moving forward and building a family with our newest member. His official Termination of Parental Rights hearing will not be until the end of October, but we've been told that the prospects are very good.

What a full year it's been! Really the hardest year of my life... I have struggled with very challenging pregnancy symptoms on top of the ups and downs of being a foster parent and mom of a 5-year-old. My first trimester brought very bad morning sickness and a return of the depression that I've struggled with on and off for years. I came to realize how much I was still grieving the abrupt end of our first foster placement and feeling overwhelmed by the adjustment to having Isaiah with us.

Thankfully, my second trimester was much more smooth. I had the energy boost that many women have, and the nausea subsided. But my job was very busy and stressful through the whole trimester, so it was a challenge to juggle everything and keep a positive perspective. I've been so grateful for a wonderfully supportive boss and colleagues who have been amazing team mates with true servant hearts.

The transition to this final trimester has really thrown me for a loop. I noticed an overnight difference with a sudden return to exhaustion and intense mood swings from depression to anxiety. Despite being on break between semesters (which normally brings me great relief from stress!), I haven't felt like I've been able to "come down" from the intensity of work and the pregnancy symptoms. Finally, Matt and I agreed to call his mom and see if she could come out to help for a little bit. She's arriving tomorrow, and I know that will be a great relief to both Matt and I. I'm thankful to other friends and my family also for stepping in to help us through this time. It's hard for me to ask for help and receive it, largely because a huge part of my self image is being someone who "has it together" and is always responsible. In all honesty, that hasn't characterized me in a long time, but I'm still holding on to that illusion. God, grant me the grace to let go of my tight grasp on control and let you take care of me (especially through others)!

Anyway, I was trying to think of a song that would capture how I'm feeling right now and remind me of the hope that I have in God. Mary Mary's "Can't Give Up Now" came to mind. This song has encouraged me through a lot of difficult seasons...

I just can't give up now
I've come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me the road would be easy
But I can't believe You brought me this far to leave me

When I look back at all of the ways that God has proven himself faithful to me and to our family in the past, I remember where my hope is truly grounded. This God does not leave us when we're at rock bottom. He doesn't promise things and change his mind. He is utterly committed to my healing and my growth. He'll never leave me. There's no other truth that brings more comfort. I have to build my life on this promise...